Learning to choose myself

 

This picture was taken during a time I was really struggling. I tried to hide it from everyone I was close to!

Before I say anything else, I want to add a disclaimer. I realize the privilege of saying no to stress is just that- a privilege. Not everyone can just reduce the amount of responsibilities or expectations they have, and I understand that. My hope is that this blog post will encourage you to choose your happiness, rest and peace in whatever way is available to you.

Sometime last year, I was doing a zoom call with a colleague. Courtney Rousseau is a master in human design, a field that is an interesting mix of astrology and science. I’m all about defining discovering who I am, so when Courtney offered to read my chart, I jumped on the chance! 

The first thing she said when she pulled up my chart changed the course of my life. (I know. Dramatic. But also accurate!) “Rachel, you’re a projector! And you need a LOT of rest, because you expend so much energy pouring into others. You need more rest than other people. And it’s okay to take it.” 

I was completely blown away by what she said- not only was it accurate, but it was validating. I had always felt so much shame in needing down time after being with friends or needing a day of doing nothing after a busy week. I had been called lazy, unmotivated, indisciplined, selfish and a whole host of other things that roll around in my head. 

When I became a mom, it got so much worse. When you’re a mom, there’s no built in rest time. At least with my work, I got Saturdays and Sundays off! There’s no such thing as weekends with kids. What was worse was that I was steeped in a community of people who glorified mothers neglecting themselves. This wasn’t a certain group of people- it was the line of thinking I had thought was the “right” way to be, so it was the influence with which  I surrounded myself. The social media influencers, the friendships and the women I put closest to me. 

Self care was seen as selfish, and if you “needed” it, you were giving into your flesh. If it was focused on improving your relationship with God or your husband, then it was A-OK! But if it was solely for you, because you were overwhelmed or exhausted, then it was sinful to make it a priority. “Husbands love it when you smile and make their favorite meal! Try doing those things without complaining and see how happy it makes him. That should be enough joy for you!”

You probably thing I’m kidding. I wish I was. That very sentence may not have been spoken aloud, but that was the message being conveyed by my sphere of influence. I  had so many conversations where I would pour out my soul and the response would be, yep, it’s just hard and your lot in life is to do it all with a smile on your face. The culture of this line of thinking glorifies a too full plate and stress is their crown of honor. Learning to spin as many plates as possible to the point of physical and mental illness is a norm. All while doing it “with a gentle and quiet spirit”, and not stressing your man out by telling him your silly feelings!

I am so grateful to the friends I had during this time who listened to me without judgement, who gave me permission to struggle and need validation- they were the people who really saw me and I am so grateful for them. They helped me crawl out of this harmful mindset.

I feel it is so important to speak our against these harmful ideologies that are continuously being taught to women, especially young moms. Because I took these ideas, this advice and tried to do it. 

It nearly killed me. It nearly killed my relationship. And it wiped away any joy I had in my motherhood. 

I tried taking on all of the housework, the stress, the budgeting, the childcare…and stuffing my feelings of despair and sadness so far down so it wouldn’t “burden my husband.” 

I lived what felt like Groundhog Day over and over again with my kids, doing the never ending wheel of diapers, tantrums and snack prepping. I pushed away my desperate need for rest, exercise, personal growth and sleep. I kept telling myself that I just needed to “die to myself”, that “suffering while fulfilling god’s commands was honoring to God.”

When I would try to stuff my needs and every negative feeling down, it created this vicious cycle. I was on a hamster wheel, chasing this vision of a “good mom”, the one who did all the things while a smile on her face and never spoke sharply. The one who loved sacrificing everything for the benefit of her family. And because I’m not a robot and raging mental health problems don’t stay hidden long, I would end up exploding at my kids and my husband. The emotional upheaval caused by my meltdowns were far more damaging than if I had just acted been honest with my needs in the first place! And then I would feel so guilty for getting upset, start stuffing my feelings again and the process would start over. 

I’ve spoken openly about my postpartum depression and anxiety. And while I believe I’ve had those mental illnesses for many years, the way I disregarded myself made them 100 times worse. It made them lethal. 

When Courtney looked at me and gave me permission to make my rest a priority, I felt something shift in my life. 

I started taking those words seriously. I started having “home days” with my kids, where we don’t go anywhere or do anything. We rest, play, snuggle, go outside and catch up on responsibilities at home. 

On my husbands days off, I clear our schedule. We have lots of family time and eat good food, giving the kids lots of “daddy time”.

I limit myself to one play date a week. I do my business work in blocks instead of constantly being distracted by what I need to do next. I let go of expecting myself to have a perfect house and I became content with living within my means- which gave me the clarity to actually clean my space, instead of being paralyzed by not being good enough.

I started taking naps without guilt. I took my parents up on their offer to take the kids for sleepovers. I started sharing the emotional and mental load with my husband and being honest about how much it was affecting me. 

I started making my happiness, my well being a priority. And while our life isn’t perfect, it’s so good- we are, in general, very happy. 

I wanted to share my experience because I know so many young moms who are being fed the same philosophy I was. I know the damage it caused in my life and I hope that sharing my story can help someone else give themselves permission to release those harmful ideas. 

If you are newly postpartum or a young parent, I would love to give you the support I wish I had! My VIP Facebook group offers a safe place for young parents, offers understanding support at your fingertips, weekly affirmation printables, giveaways, special content just for my members and more. It’s only $10 a month- the link is here: 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/thesemicrunchydoula/?ref=share