Motherhood isn’t what I wanted.
The title might seem strange to you. Why not write, “Why motherhood was harder than I expected” or “The 5 reasons mothering is totally different from babysitting” or something like that. And those things are true, and maybe I’ll write about that someday. But underneath those, the real reason for my rage against my kids when they spill their food or punch their brother is that THIS ISN’T WHAT I WANTED. Or what I THOUGHT I wanted, really.
I wanted motherhood to be 80% snuggles, Pinterest crafts, IG worthy photo ops of me making crepes with my kids and like, 20% the hard stuff. That’s not unreasonable, right? I mean, I was realistic. I had over 10 years of childcare experience! I knew that kids needed to be potty trained and be taught manners. I knew that there would be days when they would be tired and that I would be tired. I wasn’t fooled into thinking it would be a trip to Disney World everyday- I KNEW kids were really hard work and I was prepared for that!
Except I wasn’t. I was prepared for the practical stuff- how to change a diaper, cutting food portions to proper sizes, approximately the right ages for certain developmental milestones, etc. I was not prepared for the
EXHAUSTION
that comes with being a young mother. The days, weeks, months without a full nights sleep and the toll is takes on your mental, physical and emotional health are, well, devastating. And don’t pelt me with sleep training crap. Even WITH sleep training, sometimes your kid just doesn’t sleep and there’s nothing you can do to MAKE THEM. That’s right- you can’t force your child to sleep. I didn’t fully understand that until parenthood. You can make them stay in their bed-and then you can lay in your bed, fully awake, listening to them scuffling in between their sheets. And you KNOW the minute you fall asleep they’ll go into the living room and draw on the wall, or climb into their brothers bed or figure out how to get to the kitchen knives and theeeeeeeere goes your sleep for the night. And yeah, you “won” because they stayed in bed, but who wins with no sleep? No one.
I was not prepared for the
GRIND
of motherhood. The getting up every day and doing the same things, over and over. Getting up after a really awful, hard day and doing it again, on no sleep, knowing it could be just as hard or worse. And then, you go out with a friend for coffee or take a bath and listen to an encouraging podcast, getting the emotional strength you need to face the next day- and you realize I HAVE TO DO THIS EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT 18 YEARS, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. I have an amazing community with great support- even with that, the grind and hard work of being a mom is sometimes too much to bear.
I wasn’t prepared for the
LOSS OF MYSELF
(Spoilers for The Office ahead)
If you watch the Office, you’ll remember the scene with Pam when she’s lumped with the losers of the office. “I used to be young and cute and sort of funny,” she says tearfully. “And now I’m just a fat mom!” I’ve watched that show probably 4 times though (I know. I have a problem. Shaddup.) That scene has never affected me, but the last time I watched it, I sobbed. Because I feel like that too. I used to be Rachel- cute, funny, social butterfly who always had something fun planned and loved to go on spontaneous trips to Renaissance fairs or concerts. I was really happy. And becoming a mom changed a lot of that. It didn’t have to, but it did. Most days, I look in the mirror and I have to work really hard to remember that I’m still Rachel. I’m not just mommy. I’m more than a baby making vessel. I’m more than the wet nurse. More than the chef, chauffeur, social organizer and housekeeper. And sometimes, I forget to remind myself at all and I feel like I’m fading into the house like a favorite piece of furniture- reliable, comfortable, well worn, essential to making it feel like their home, and totally devoid of personality.
This sounds scary. And it feels scary when it’s happening. And then I feel rage- THIS ISN’T WHAT I WANTED. This is hard work 100% of the time and I thought the deal was 80% fun and 20% work? WHAT GIVES?!
And I’m not really sure what, exactly, gives. You see, this is the part where I give you an epiphany, where I tell you that God came out of the sky and let’s me in on his Secret Formula For Joy In Motherhood ™️. But that hasn’t happened for me yet.
And then, I feel guilt. Guilt because these kids depend on me- I’m their introduction for the world, the one who creates their barometer for normal and I’m probably going to leave them scarred because I say things like “THIS ISN’T WHAT I WANTED!” Guilt because I have friends who desperately want to have get married or have babies and haven’t yet and I should just shut up and be thankful that I have kids. Guilt because I really, really love my kids, with every fiber of my being. I love them fully, fiercely and no matter what, but dang it, guys, THIS IS HARD. And I just want to enjoy my kids and kiss their sweet cheeks instead of scrubbing poop off of the carpet and making them clean up their toys.
And then I think, maybe this is hard because I care about being a good mom. I am actively working against being a “bad” mom- actively working to not be selfish, lazy, angry or preoccupied with my phone. I take time to train, read to, talk to and clean up my kids. Maybe this is hard because I’m doing the right thing. Ahhhh, there’s my epiphany. There’s my formula. “Do not grow weary in doing good...”
I think if there was a secret formula, this would be what it is:
Rachel’s recipe for joy in motherhood
1 cup of remembering that what you’re doing isn’t meaningless. It has purpose and it is good work, if not pretty work.
1 cup of taking time to remember how absolutely precious your children are. Even when they are hard, they are amazing and YOU grew them in your body or chose them to be yours!
1 pot of coffee every morning, 1 cup of Ningxia red when your kids aren’t looking and 1 glass of wine after the mongrels are in bed.
2 cups of self care.
3 cups of Scripture, encouraging people (get the sanctimommies outta your life) and a really good podcast to listen to while you do dishes.
1 cup of grace. For yourself, your spouse, your kids, everyone.
1 cup of thankfulness. 2 on the really hard days.
A sprinkle of Progessence Plus all over yourself
Garnish with a nap once a week
Motherhood isn’t what I thought I wanted. But it’s exactly what I needed and honestly, even though the bad days are 10x harder then what I wanted them to be, the good moments are 1000x better than I what I ever dreamed. Maybe I’ll write about the good moments next- because there are a LOT of them.
If you made it this far, thank you. Thank you to bearing witness to my struggle ❤️
I wanted motherhood to be 80% snuggles, Pinterest crafts, IG worthy photo ops of me making crepes with my kids and like, 20% the hard stuff. That’s not unreasonable, right? I mean, I was realistic. I had over 10 years of childcare experience! I knew that kids needed to be potty trained and be taught manners. I knew that there would be days when they would be tired and that I would be tired. I wasn’t fooled into thinking it would be a trip to Disney World everyday- I KNEW kids were really hard work and I was prepared for that!
Except I wasn’t. I was prepared for the practical stuff- how to change a diaper, cutting food portions to proper sizes, approximately the right ages for certain developmental milestones, etc. I was not prepared for the
EXHAUSTION
that comes with being a young mother. The days, weeks, months without a full nights sleep and the toll is takes on your mental, physical and emotional health are, well, devastating. And don’t pelt me with sleep training crap. Even WITH sleep training, sometimes your kid just doesn’t sleep and there’s nothing you can do to MAKE THEM. That’s right- you can’t force your child to sleep. I didn’t fully understand that until parenthood. You can make them stay in their bed-and then you can lay in your bed, fully awake, listening to them scuffling in between their sheets. And you KNOW the minute you fall asleep they’ll go into the living room and draw on the wall, or climb into their brothers bed or figure out how to get to the kitchen knives and theeeeeeeere goes your sleep for the night. And yeah, you “won” because they stayed in bed, but who wins with no sleep? No one.
I was not prepared for the
GRIND
of motherhood. The getting up every day and doing the same things, over and over. Getting up after a really awful, hard day and doing it again, on no sleep, knowing it could be just as hard or worse. And then, you go out with a friend for coffee or take a bath and listen to an encouraging podcast, getting the emotional strength you need to face the next day- and you realize I HAVE TO DO THIS EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT 18 YEARS, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. I have an amazing community with great support- even with that, the grind and hard work of being a mom is sometimes too much to bear.
I wasn’t prepared for the
LOSS OF MYSELF
(Spoilers for The Office ahead)
If you watch the Office, you’ll remember the scene with Pam when she’s lumped with the losers of the office. “I used to be young and cute and sort of funny,” she says tearfully. “And now I’m just a fat mom!” I’ve watched that show probably 4 times though (I know. I have a problem. Shaddup.) That scene has never affected me, but the last time I watched it, I sobbed. Because I feel like that too. I used to be Rachel- cute, funny, social butterfly who always had something fun planned and loved to go on spontaneous trips to Renaissance fairs or concerts. I was really happy. And becoming a mom changed a lot of that. It didn’t have to, but it did. Most days, I look in the mirror and I have to work really hard to remember that I’m still Rachel. I’m not just mommy. I’m more than a baby making vessel. I’m more than the wet nurse. More than the chef, chauffeur, social organizer and housekeeper. And sometimes, I forget to remind myself at all and I feel like I’m fading into the house like a favorite piece of furniture- reliable, comfortable, well worn, essential to making it feel like their home, and totally devoid of personality.
This sounds scary. And it feels scary when it’s happening. And then I feel rage- THIS ISN’T WHAT I WANTED. This is hard work 100% of the time and I thought the deal was 80% fun and 20% work? WHAT GIVES?!
And I’m not really sure what, exactly, gives. You see, this is the part where I give you an epiphany, where I tell you that God came out of the sky and let’s me in on his Secret Formula For Joy In Motherhood ™️. But that hasn’t happened for me yet.
And then, I feel guilt. Guilt because these kids depend on me- I’m their introduction for the world, the one who creates their barometer for normal and I’m probably going to leave them scarred because I say things like “THIS ISN’T WHAT I WANTED!” Guilt because I have friends who desperately want to have get married or have babies and haven’t yet and I should just shut up and be thankful that I have kids. Guilt because I really, really love my kids, with every fiber of my being. I love them fully, fiercely and no matter what, but dang it, guys, THIS IS HARD. And I just want to enjoy my kids and kiss their sweet cheeks instead of scrubbing poop off of the carpet and making them clean up their toys.
And then I think, maybe this is hard because I care about being a good mom. I am actively working against being a “bad” mom- actively working to not be selfish, lazy, angry or preoccupied with my phone. I take time to train, read to, talk to and clean up my kids. Maybe this is hard because I’m doing the right thing. Ahhhh, there’s my epiphany. There’s my formula. “Do not grow weary in doing good...”
I think if there was a secret formula, this would be what it is:
Rachel’s recipe for joy in motherhood
1 cup of remembering that what you’re doing isn’t meaningless. It has purpose and it is good work, if not pretty work.
1 cup of taking time to remember how absolutely precious your children are. Even when they are hard, they are amazing and YOU grew them in your body or chose them to be yours!
1 pot of coffee every morning, 1 cup of Ningxia red when your kids aren’t looking and 1 glass of wine after the mongrels are in bed.
2 cups of self care.
3 cups of Scripture, encouraging people (get the sanctimommies outta your life) and a really good podcast to listen to while you do dishes.
1 cup of grace. For yourself, your spouse, your kids, everyone.
1 cup of thankfulness. 2 on the really hard days.
A sprinkle of Progessence Plus all over yourself
Garnish with a nap once a week
Motherhood isn’t what I thought I wanted. But it’s exactly what I needed and honestly, even though the bad days are 10x harder then what I wanted them to be, the good moments are 1000x better than I what I ever dreamed. Maybe I’ll write about the good moments next- because there are a LOT of them.
If you made it this far, thank you. Thank you to bearing witness to my struggle ❤️
Love you, friend! This is good, really good.
ReplyDeleteYou are being prayed for, in the mommy trenches.